In my final years of life I made a promise. to myself. To check in with my mood, thoughts and behaviors every day. I want to close out my life as honestly and as purely as possible. This self adjudication process has left me facing me. Not always pleasant.
My tears and anger and love are all raw…expressed easily and authentically. I’m getting dehydrated from all the tears, I’m aghast at the thoughts that appear. I used to teach, ‘We are not our thoughts.’ I believe that but what concerns me is the thoughts that do appear.
For example, ‘I’m tired of hearing about Gaza.’ I’m horrified I have that thought. But rather than hate myself I took apart the thought … dug into the thought.
I’m deeply horrified by what is happening there.
I feel so helpless.
So angry.
I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of knowing these people are suffering beyond suffering and that there is nothing I can do.
I am healing from a knee re-replacement. A grisly operation. I hate that I can’t wallow in my pain … because I know Gazan children and adults faced amputation and healing without anesthesia or pain killers or bandages. I have no problems.
I hate that I hate.
This morning I watched the film, shared below, on Gaza. And threw up. And cried for an hour. Don’t watch it. Happened yesterday.
What if it was your dad lying there? Or your husband or wife or child? Hate the dogs? That is too easy. Evil is walking the planet in the form Netanyahu, Trump, Biden, Putin, Assad … and so many others. Males out of control. Males having given their souls to greed, power, hatred, blood, diminution of women and nature. And that walk of evil influence is expanding. Watch your thoughts and feelings and behaviors. Remain human. Remain sensitive. Keep your emotions. Cry. Yell. Laugh. Be. Be. Be.
Love. I keep singing, naively, “All you need is love.”
Peace to all of you today.
May the victims RIP. And may the dreams of the perpetrators and backers of this Genocide be forever haunted by these images. Justice.
I couldn’t watch my feelings are exactly the same as yours , absolute horror and helplessness and what to do with these feelings except push them down deep and watch another day of disgusting real life genocide.