He said he loved me. How could he do that?
I dropped everything and traveled to the Rosebud Reservation in 1990 because I needed help. As the Director of Counseling at a small New England College I felt utterly helpless when it came to handling all the self and other inflicted violence on campus. I was 39, achieved a doctorate 9 years prior, already had 15 years of experience in the field. But this was different. And this violence was not an anomaly but a burgeoning trend.
While on the Rosebud I was befriended by the greatest and most influential men and women of my entire life. Leksi Albert White Hat, Kenny Standsfast, Chub Black Bear, Auntie Linda, Leksi Bill, Joe Bad Moccasin, Duane Hollow Horn Bear, Auntie Violet, Patty Massell, Teresa Black Bear, Yuwipi Men Joe Eagle Elk and Elmer Running, Blue Thunder, Harold White Horse, Elva Thompson, Grandma Kills enemy and many others.
This small cadre of people were traditionalists. Violated by the dominant culture, the Indian Schools, haunted by memories of freedom and made tough and pragmatic by the realities of Reservation Life. These traditionalists walked behind the pipe, knew that spirits existed and lived with them every day. These people were not quick to let strangers in but once a person showed respect, love, devotion and care a person was made family.
I have been part of this extended family since 1990. Most of my friends and elders have long since passed. In the course of those years I Sun Danced, led lodge, conducted many hanblechya and in time was recognized as a wapiya. An Iyeska. A lowampi and yuwipi man. What you might call a healer. One gives their life to serve the people. It is both wonderful and terribly lonely.
In the end I was allowed to receive what I sought… the means to mitigate the violence of the dominant culture. The means, a process, to significantly decrease drinking and drug abuse, self-deprecation, destruction of property, violence to others and sexual assault and rape. It has taken decades of work with elders around the world and this country. It has taken working with thousands of wounded young people. It has taken reading hundreds of books and theories. It has taken leading dozens and dozens of healing ceremonies.
But I have a proven process, a process that has been scientifically proven to decrease violence to self, others, things and Nature. I have been shown how to piece together a process that builds love, esteem, relationship, care, kindness, morals … character. I have tested the process at multiple universities with amazing success. Participants report, and new behaviors indicate, that students learn how to be effective, happy, healthy, civilized members of society.
After the first summer living on the Rosebud I built a sweat lodge in front of the counseling center. Uncle Albert and others came out to New England to help construct the ini and to offer their blessing that this very white man can, and should, introduce the students to these old traditions. “They will never be Indians, but they will learn how to be humans.”
The ini, the sweat lodge, was the only building on campus that was never harmed. The students collected wood, made the fire, collected stones, learned Lakota songs and became an extended family. On Friday nights as many as 100 students would gather and sit out all night by the fire. They didn’t want to drink anymore. They didn’t like what they were becoming. They loved the feeling that lived in the lodge by the counseling center.
I’ve written about the. 50 some women assaulted and/or raped by one man. A small group of these women, 12-17 of them, participated in sweat lodge as a group once or twice a week. They reported it was the only place they felt safe. In the darkness and steam the women would talk, and cry about what had happened to them. They felt comforted by the spirits of the rocks and wood and the stand of trees in which the lodge stood.
The young man, the perpetrator, was a manipulator. He offered the women what they needed …. needed … love. He offered them kindness, attention and made them feel loved. He taught them to drink. To surrender themselves to him. And then he awarded them with the cruelest tool known to man, Betrayal. Yes, he tore their clothing, violated their bodies, frightened and threatened them …. but … you see … the most horrific wound of all is that he betrayed them. Either he lied and never loved them. Or, stole their love. Mutated their love. Used their love and kindness for his own benefit. He betrayed them.
He forced the women to behave in a way that was not their’s, or
He forced himself upon the women in ways that shocked them, or
He stole their love … whatever it was or had been, or
He never returned the love in a sincere manner, or
He destroyed their trust in themselves, in others and ‘love’ for the rest of the woman’s life. He stole pieces of them.
In the lodge the women talked to the stolen or broken pieces of themselves. They did their best to make sense of the event and to forgive themselves for what they didn’t see or do or did do. The women reported feeling ashamed, silly, naive, scarred … “He said he loved me. How could he do this?” The women were baffled.
When I asked them, “What hurt the most? The physical harm and/or abuse? The lie? The long manipulation? Their answer usually was, “He said he loved me. He took his love away from me and he stole the love I gave to him.”
Do you understand now why many women return to an abusive relationship? They love the man and still seek his love and hope he seeks hers. I’ve seen it again and again and again. Later in life the reason for the return may be financial or something similar. But at the 18-25 level …. where 53% of all women have been raped .. there is something different going on,
The root of the root of the root of the problem is that young men are not taught how to be men of character and integrity. They are not taught about love, relationship, kindness …. . Young men and you women MUST be taught what is called Life Lore and Dead Law. They must be taught how to find who they are before turning them on others their age. Youn men must be taught to love themselves. Because once a man learns to know and love himself he looks around … and what he sees is what is and what is not. His task is not to destroy but to create. It is the way of the traditional warrior, the Kit Fox Soldier.
My intent has been to produce a book of the Life Lore and Dead Law. To have a brilliant illustrator help to make the book and workbook live and speak to young people. My intent is, was, to formalize the process and then travel to professional conferences and introduce the idea to college administrators. One in four no longer need to be the accepted reality. Drinking, drugging, destruction of property, suicide and the sexual assault of women can be mitigated. I have proven it.
Please help to save the literal lives and the existential lives of 1000’s of women. Please help to ‘create’ young men who live by the creed of creating not destroying. Please give to the Kickstarter. No it is not a product that you will own. But someone you know will not have to raped or assaulted nor sit in a sweat lodge trying to find lost pieces of themselves.
I need $300,000 to pull together 35 years of work, create a book, a workbook, a website, a YouTube teaching site, to travel around the country marketing the idea, to train the trainers, to speak at national conferences … to finally offer women the respect they are due. To teach the men to be men, not musty greedy boys in man suits.
There are four days left. Please help me to find the $300,000. We can find millions to build weapons or silly games….I KNOW WITHIN FOUR DAYS WE CAN FIND $300,000 TO CREATE A SAFE WORLD FOR WOMEN.
THE PASSAGE PROGRAM: LIFE LORE AND DEAD WORKS. IT WORKS. PLEASE SEND THIS ARTICLE OUT AND/OR MAKE A PLEDGE.
THANK YOU
TOM
https://www.kickstarter.com/projects/walkwithmother/mother-earth-healing-her-daughters-and-sons